Lately I have been questioning what I really want out of life. I had this moment at work early in the week that I can't stop thinking about. I was sitting at my desk working and I just plugged my headphones in so they could charge. I took a second and just took in my surroundings and all I could hear was the constant typing from everyone around me. Then something hit me and in my head I said "What the fuck am I doing here?"I just felt like my life was being wasted there. I'm not adding any value to myself. I'm just inside this cube, I can't even see outside and I am there 10-12 hours a day for 6 days a week. I was so distracted at that point that I reached out to my good friend Cori who sits by me just to express these thoughts. Turns out she has similar thoughts. We talked about how in college you work so hard to get to this point, this career and you think you are going to feel successful and satisfied. We don't even know if we are going to enjoy the job but after putting so much time and effort into getting there you feel like you have to force your way through it. I hated that idea. She said that she always thinks about leaving the city to some small town away from everything and just work at a coffee shop. Honestly that sounds perfect. I always thought I would graduate and move to the city, work hard, and get a nice house there. I realize that I don't want any of that. But so many people have those goals. I wonder if most people actually want those things or if they just think they are suppose to do those things.
Only a day after I had that moment at work I was in a meeting with my team at work. I work mostly in our auto niche and the niche gets together every other week. In this meeting the two people I work with the most, a partner and a principal, gave me extremely high praise for my work and how much I have done for the team. In the last couple years the team has lost a lot of members so things have been tough. I was forced into a role faster than I typically would have to take on. Apparently I am doing a great job. That was honestly really hard to hear, especially after having all of the previously mentioned thoughts. I really respect and enjoy the people on my team. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't still be there. I don't know if that is good or bad. I haven't brought up any concerns to them. I know they are going to try and convince me to stay or offer to make things different so I stay. I don't want them to do that cause I don't think it would matter. I am dreading that conversation when it happens. I would like to stay at the job for a little purely because the money is so good. If I can cut my expenses with the van and just massively save for a little while I think it would be worth it.
On Friday I was out at a client in North Bend with my favorite person to work with. She is my coach and part of the auto team so we work together all the time. When we were leaving at the end of the day she texted me and said "Do you know how much I love working with you? I hope you do, you're my fave." That was really great to hear but it was also so hard to hear because it just made me feel bad. I know that there would be no bad feelings at all between anyone and me if I leave. It's just hard because I know it would make their lives harder at work. Who would want to do that to people they truly respect and value?
My dad and step-mom asked me to watch their house that weekend because they had to go Oregon for a funeral. So Friday night I drove down after work. While I was driving I got a message from my ex's sister. She was asking about some wedding photos that my ex and I had taken for her friend. My ex and I have been broken up for a little over a year at this point and we were together for about two years. We were friends for a long time before that and I have been really close with her family for a long time, but I hadn't spoken to any of them since the break up. I was both nervous and excited to hear from her sister. I found the photos she was asking about and we planned on meeting up Saturday so I could give them to her. So Saturday I drove over to her house, and I was really nervous because I did not know how this was going to go. But she was really happy to see me and we talked for almost 4 hours. Just catching up and going over everything that happened in the past. I never reached out to them because my ex told me none of them wanted to speak to me so I respected that and stayed away. Turns out that was a lie and they were all hurt/surprised I never reached out. That really hurt to hear. But after over a year I feel like I have no place reaching out now. That whole relationship was extremely hard on me. When we first got together it was like a dream come true and I thought I would marry her. I won't speak ill of her but unfortunately being friends and being a couple are not the same thing. I haven't felt like dating at all since then. And I didn't really understand until I had that conversation with her sister. That whole break up was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I completely broke her heart which is just terrible to watch happen, I lost one of my longest friendships, and I lost her whole family who I loved so much. I think I am scared to put myself through something like that again. So I'm working on that.
Saturday night I took my mom and my two sisters out to dinner for my mom's birthday that was earlier in the week. That was really nice and very much needed. I see my dad all the time because the van is at his house so I see him just about every weekend. We also have a lot in common so it's easy to spend a lot of time with him. But I need to see my mom more. She is the best. Just the sweetest most selfless person I know. I worry about her and I want to give her everything she's ever wanted. I just want her to fully enjoy her life. She has not had the best of luck and she deserves so much more. She loves being a mom and does everything for her kids. I am hoping that once I buy some land that I can build her a little place that she doesn't have to pay for, just to take as much stress away as I can.
Finally, Sunday... always the highlight of my week because I get to work on Tammy. This time I got the nails I was missing and assembled the cabinets from last weekend. I also built the second set that will go next to the first ones. I just need to get doors built and the counter top. I think I am going to buy all my water equipment. I am planning on three 5 gallon jugs, two for fresh water and one for grey water. I am also planning on getting a little water pump that I can easily wire up. Also I need to box off my electrical components. After that box is built I can install the flooring. Everything is happening so fast now and its so exciting. Pics below as always.
wtf bruh we need answers
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